There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He told his wife just before he died to take all his money and place it in the casket with him.
His wife promised him to follow his wishes.
Then, one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
These are some of the embarrassing errors (bloopers) heard over various church announcements:
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Fr. Tom’s homilies.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the Church. It was given by one of our members to honor his wife.
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
At A Wedding!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said: “So why is the groom wearing black?”
When a priest was giving a homily, he saw a man sleeping in the pew.
The priest felt disgusted. He thought of making an example to embarrass him.
Right before his homily ended, the priest asked the congregation, “To those who wanted a special place in heaven, please stand up.” Everybody stood up except the sleeping man.
The priest continued, “To those who wanted to go to hell, please stand up.” The man finally woke up. He heard only the last statement—Stand up. The man stood up confused and groggy. He looked at the congregation and realized that he was the only one standing.
Feeling embarrassed, He told the priest, Father it seems like we are voting on something. And you and I are the only ones standing.
A lady lost her handbag in a busy shopping mall. Fortunately, an honest little boy found it and promptly returned it to her. The lady was truly delighted and quickly examined her bag. She was astonished. “Hmm! What happened here? I know there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are ten $10 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, ma’am! I learned the lesson. The last time I found a lady’s bag, I didn’t receive any reward. She didn’t have any loose change.”
These jokes are taken from various anonymous sources. Illustration compliments of PEXELS: https://pexels.com